i need an iv and a liver transplant
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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