the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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