That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
