you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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