dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
