I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
