i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
