I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
