thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
