I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
