then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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