It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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