she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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