Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
