Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
