in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
