I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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