Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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