So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is my gift to your gina
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I touched a dick in church today
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
