You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
