The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
