Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
