We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
