chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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