The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
