Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
