Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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