my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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