I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
whose parrot is this?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
