I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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