You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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