btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
