TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
