so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
