...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
