If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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