omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
