If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
