I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
