please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
