I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
