I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
