if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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