she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
