She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
