I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Terrible idea I love it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.