my sisters under your porch take her home
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
