Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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