im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
