That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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