I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
