I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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