If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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