All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
