just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
