ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this just has baby written all over it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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