My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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