Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
