I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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