Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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